My 100th "New Beginning"

And so....here we are again. My heart on the floor for the 100th time in the past 8 months. And i think this is FINALLY the last straw. The last time i'll go crawling back to him. And the last time i'll keep thinking of ways to get him back. Its just ridiculous. If he really wanted to be with me, he'd be with me. I'm nothing but a friend to him now....why should i stick around? I'm only regressing further and further back into a deeper hole. What does thinking about them two together and what theyre doing help me any? What does comparing myself over and over again to her do for me? We are completely different people and you can't compare that. We're both attractive but we both have our own good qualities. Things didn't work out with me and him so move on! Move the fuck on Jen. he's not brad pitt or jude law or johnny depp or something! I'm better than that and i deserve so much more.....but i dont know why i hold on. I am holding on to him for dear life because he is the one person who respected me for who i am. Respected my thoughts and interests and actually listened to me. But other than that he didn't give me the love i wanted and needed. But how come he couldn't hold my hand in public? How do i get over that fact that maybe he is happy with her and maybe he thinks she's the one? How do i not care about that?....so many questions that i really shouldn't even be asking.....where's the truth when you need it.

FRESH PRODUCE

I really need to have a fresh start....its been a long time coming and it is really time to let go. As much as it hurts. And as much as i dont want to, as much as i want to keep trying to get him back kor convince him that he made a big mistake....nothing i say will convince him....if it hasn't by now....i probably will never be able to. In any case...noone should have to convince another to be with them. So i'm not sure why i keep doing it. I just hate this rejection and feeling that she may be better. What's so much better about her. I know i shouldn't think that way but its so hard.

can someone tell me the best way to get over someone? The best way to not sit and compare myself to this new girl? Its been 8 months and i'm still talking to this guy after how much he's hurt me. I guess that explains why i'm not over him yet. I guess i won't know if i can be over him until i try...optimism here i come.

4am taxicab confessions

Mental Notes:

Anyone ever think theyre going through a quarter-life crisis? Because i think i am right now. But i possibly could owe this feeling to being lonely. Perhaps its just loneliness i'm going through. Either way, i always seem to find a way to be unhappy. People tell me i should be happy with myself before i am with someone else. Is it bad that i'm not happy because of the fact that i DONT have "someone else". Yeah, i'm happy with who i am....i guess....but i'm lonely for that person i can call....that last call you get at night. Its pretty lonely not having anyone asking you how your day was. Going home after a long day to noone to talk to kinda sucks. My dog doesn't exactly respond back to me. The funny thing is, i thought getting a dog would ease every single pain and take away all the lonely moments I get....but i forgot that we all need human contact and human affection too.

This blog is starting to sound pretty depressing but I figured blogs are for letting out how you feel....either that or letting out retarded thoughts or ideas you have on your mind. You ever feel like you're just fading? I feel like i'm fading from people's lives. Eventually i won't be a thought in people's minds. My current friends now, probably won't be my friends 10 years from now. Its kind of sad. But i guess thats up to me whether that happens or not. Right now, all my best friends have a "significant other". One of them isn't talking to me, the other is my ex boyfriend, another i can't really have really deep conversations wth, and the other acts like my parent. so as you can see....right now i feel incredibly alone and i feel like i have noone to talk to. I crave for conversation everday. I crave to just let it all out. But i have noone to let it all to. Its sad that i talk to my ex boyfriend the most out of all these people. It still hurts. To talk to him. He doesn't know it. And i can't let him see that anymore. I hate the feeling that i'm slowly becoming less important to him. I dont know. Life just seems so hard for me lately.

I can't remember the last time i was truly happy. I literally can't. Is ultimate happiness real? Does it even exist? Does real love even exist? I dont know anymore...Sometimes i think i'm just infatuated with the ideal of true happiness and true love. But in all reality...people just make that all up...people create it for themselves, but all in all....noone can ever have it truthfully. Or maybe i'm just a pessimist. There are very few optimists left in the world.....I'm trying to marry one of those few....

until next time.